The 'Ferret' of All My Problems
by Captain Jackass
Summary: Hermione Granger spends some unwanted time with an even more unwanted Malfoy. Soon she discovers that beneath that evil, arrogent mask, Malfoy is an nothing but an annoying little PRICK! DMHG
1. Default Chapter

**The _Ferret_ of All My Problems**

Hi!! This happens to be my first Draco/Hermy fic ever. They are so fun to read, so I thought I'd try one. It's all in Hermione's point of view. It's in their 5th year.

This fic is mainly dialogue based. And hardly any description will be there ...except that there will be a bit descriptions here and there. Anyways, Read and (_most_ importantly) **review!!!**

Review to let me know how I did. I don't mind flames, so if you feel the urge to flame this story, FLAME AWAY!!!

Have a good read!!

Disclaimer: Not owning it!!!

**1. A 'not so promising Christmas'**

It's the beginning of the glorious Christmas holidays!!! Harry and Ron were going to spend it in the Burrow with Sirius and the Weasleys. _I_ on the other hand preferred staying back at Hogwarts to start my revision for the O.W.L.s. Honestly, I don't know how those two are going to make up for all the lessons they missed.

"Bye, Hermione." Ron hugged me followed by Harry.

"Bye. Give Snuffles the best from me!" I said waving as they climbed into the snow covered carriages.

The carriages left and I began heading back to the castle silently. It would be a long Christmas without those two. It was my first Christmas alone and I was dreading it.

Walking into the Great Hall, I bumped into the last person I'd ever want to see... well, other than Snape and that complete cow Pansy Parkinson.

-It was Ferret Face a.k.a. Draco Malfoy. He greeted me with his usual 'Watch where you're going, Mudblood!' and his usual scowl that he usually saved for Harry or Ron.

I, as usual, ignored the comment but I couldn't ignore the fact that he wasn't squeezed between the two pea-brains that he called friends.

"What's the matter, Malfoy? Couldn't afford to keep the apes anymore?"

"Watch your tongue, Mudblood, or I'll just have to chop it off one day"

"I'd like to see you try, Ferret face!"

"Don't call me Ferret face!!! Bucktooth!!"

"I don't have buck teeth, Malfoy."

"Fine! Mudblood!"

"Poor come backs, you stupid prick!"

"Gargoyle face!!"

"Self-centered snob!!"

"Filthy mugg – "

"Mr. Malfoy!! Miss Granger!!" –A stern third voice echoed through the hall.

Oh no.... Professor Mcgonnagal. And she looks mad. _Really_ mad.

"You are _prefects_!! Do learn to behave yourself!!" she chided.

"Yes, Professor." We chorused quietly.

She walked off giving me that 'I-thought-you-knew-better-than-to-behave-like-this' look. Boy, she sure tells a lot with looks. I feel so ashamed. Stupid Malfoy. It's all _his_ fault! Look at him smirking, as though he caught the snitch (which he never did catch and he never will either! Muwahaha!!)

We glared daggers at each other and headed off to our own dorms.

Something tells me that this is gonna be a long,_ long _Christmas.

**_OoOoOoOOooooOOOOOoOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOoOOOooOo_**

Yeah, I know its short and all, but review all the same!!! I promise the next chapter will more funny and more ... er,... dialogue-y? _And_ long!!

Anyway, **Review!!**

_P.S: _I update very _very_ **_very_** late.

Live with it.


	2. Dungbombs alert!

On contraire to what I said before, I updated fast!! Hurray for me!!!

_**. o . O.O ...**_

_Major thanx to:_

Draco's all mine (_Yay! Another Draco fan!!)_

AshleytheStrange (_Thank ye!!)_

Tabari Avaren _(Actually, you just did. But this a fanfiction so ... well, its supposed to be unreal!! That's the beauty of it!! And bout the '!!!',It's some kinda weird habit. Thanks for the advice. I'll try to remember!)_

Christi-Lynn (_Unfortunately, I'm not too good with description. So I'm writing this dialogue based fic to escape the truth, for the truth STINKS!!) D_

Jameen _(Thank you O so much!)_

Raiast: _(I didn't take long!! Hurray for me!!)_

_**. o . O.O ...**_

Disclaimer: Draco Malfoy and crew aren't mine.. sob.

**2.** **Dungbombs Alert!!**

"Hey, don't put that out here!" I yelled, ducking as a dungbomb flew over my head.

Dean and Seamus were having a dungbomb fight in the common room – where I happen to be studying.... or at least trying to.

A dungbomb (thrown by Dean, that idiot!!) hit Crookshanks! Hissing and spitting he ran into my dorm.

That was it. How dare they hurt _my_ cat! I'll show them what happens to people who mess with my cat and my study time.

"I'm a prefect and I order you to sto – "

One of the _stupid_ dungbombs 'accidentally' hit me right on my face. Great. Now I have a bump on my head _and_ I stink. The whole common room stinks.

"I'm going to the library and by the time I'm back, I'd better see the common room dungbomb-free and ... well, stink-free. Otherwise, - " I added (very evilly) "– you two are gonna spend Christmas in detentions."

"Yes, mom" they murmured sarcastically ( so sarcastically, that I could almost see fangs coming out of their mouths! Not really.)

Glaring at them one last time, I gathered my notes and headed towards the library.

The library was quite empty except for a group of seventh year Ravenclaws. Ahhh... the peace and quite. Just what I need for Arithamancy!

But before I could even open my text, a blundering first year came up to me.

"Are you a prefect?" the chubby boy panted.

"Yes. Is anything wrong?" I asked, concerned.

"A big boy is throwing dungbombs at me and my friends in the Great Hall!"

I sighed and got up. Arithamancy will have to wait. After all, I'm a prefect. If I don't look out for the poor, helpless midgets, -er- first years, then who will?!

"I'll look into it." I assured the boy and stomped out of the library. If Dean and Seamus were behind this (and I'm pretty sure they are) , they are gonna pay! Nobody (except Crookshanks) is allowed to disturb me during my revision!

The Great Hall.

I looked around and spotted a figure hiding behind the statue of Aris, throwing dungbombs at the frightened first years downstairs.

... That was easy.

I crept silently behind him. He had that familiar blond hair.

"Malfoy?!' I shouted in disbelief.

Ferret face was quite startled and loosing his balance, tumbled down the stairs; the rest of the dungbombs bouncing down behind him.

So he got a few major bruises, _who cares_!!

"Granger!" he scowled clutching his left arm. "What's the big idea?!"

I came downstairs calmly.

"What's _your_ big idea, Malfoy? Scaring all the first years?" I retorted jabbing his shoulder with my wand.

He winced visibly and sneered, "Can't keep your hands off me, Mudblood?"

"Stop calling me that!" I hissed jabbing his shoulder harder.

"Stop poking me, will you?!" he yelped massaging his sore shoulder.

'"Serves you right, Malfoy." I said icily. "Go to the hospital wing before you break more bones."

"Its your fault I'm like this!" he yelled and added weakly, "I can't walk properly."

"Are _you_, a pureblood, asking _me_, a mudblood, for help, Malfoy?" I pretended to be shocked.

"Aren't Griffindors supposed to do these kinds of things?"

Hmmm... as an enemy, I would have left him there (after kicking him a few times myself) but as a Griffindor and a prefect, I have to help. After all, it was _sort of_ my fault... _sort of_.

"Fine." I said and helped him stand up. I didn't touch of course (that would've been too gross) instead, I poked him with my wand till he stood up, wincing and scowling.

"Hey! Ow – Oww!! Stop! Hey - _Ouch!!_ Stop it, Mudblood!!!" he spat angrily hopping out of the wands way.

Suddenly, he stiffened. Then I saw it too.

Mrs. Norris was on the top of the stairs looking at us sinisterly.

I decided to explain to Filch that I was not responsible for the dungbombs and it was all Malfoy's fault. But then again, we were surrounded by dungbombs and Malfoy was covered with bruises.

Filch would probably think that I threw the dungbombs and beat up Malfoy!

Then I did the only thing that made any sense to me.

"RUN!!"

I ran out of the castle doors and into the grounds. I could here Malfoy running behind me.

I headed for Hagrid's hut as an attempt to throw Filch off.

"Where are you taking us?" Malfoy panted catching up to me.

"Pumpkin patch" I said and added, "I thought you couldn't walk."

"Desprate times call for desperate measures." He explained.

Yeah right. I bet his legs weren't even hurt. We hid behind the huge, rotting pumpkins, resting a bit.

"Is the cost clear?" he asked looking through the pumpkins.

I lifted my head up to look and caught a glance of Filch hobbling towards us ,brandishing a broomstick, before Malfoy pushed my head back down.

Malfoy looked at me seriously. "Filch or Forest?"

I considered it for a moment but then I remembered the whip collection Filch was braging about. Malfoy seemed to have been thinking along the same lines.

"Forest." we both agreed quickly and galloped off into the dark, forbidden place.

POPOPOPOPOPOOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOOPOPOOOP!...end of chappie.

Same old, same old. **REVIEW. **_Please?_


	3. Out of the frying pan

I updated fast ... again!! Aren't I the greatest?!!! (weirdo)??!!!

Aww!! So many ppl reviewed!! Thank you!!

But my terminal tests are coming and they are here to stamp on my life for _three whole stinking sodding weeks!!!!_ So expect no updates for the next _three whole stinking sodding weeks._ Sorry!!

_Major thanx to:_

**sassy-diva2004 **(Why, thank you!)

Who Else? Me (I am writing more!!) 

**Draco's all mine** (Longer?! Hmmm...)

**MindGame **(I updated quick again!!)

**Christi-Lynn** (Thankies!)... (I _hate_ that word!)

**ImpishyNymph** (Hmmm... you do sound suspiciously like my English teacher... interesting... well, not really, but who cares!!)

**The Singing Hippo** (Yay! Thanks!)

**Madnutterfan **(Well, you have a deal! I updated fast, now review my fic.!!)

Disclaimer: You are evil. (I don't own 'em, k?!!)

**3. Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire - 1**

"I think we lost him" Malfoy panted leaning against a tree.

"_Where are you, ya filthy scumbags?! I'm gonna rip you raw for this!"_

We exchanged a horrified look and stumbled deeper and deeper into the forest. Finally, after going around in circles for sometime, we lost Filch. _And_ ourselves.

"It's all your fault, Mudblood." Malfoy muttered, pulling a twig out of his untidy hair.

"My fault?! You were the one with the dungbombs!"

"Well, if you didn't scare me like that, I'd have probably found a more suitable place to hide."

"Well then, why didn't you? Who asked you to follow me?"

"I – I wasn't following you!! You were just heading the way I was going!"

"Whatever, Malfoy. Does any of this look familiar to you?"

"Of course they look familiar to me, Granger, I come here everyday, don't I?!"

"Oh, shut up."

"No, _you_ shut up!"

"No, _you_!"

"I said it first!"

"No, you didn't, Malfoy."

"What does it matter anyway?!"

"Shhhh. I think we should stop shouting. Something might here us."

"OUCH!!"

"Keep it down, will you?!' I hissed angrily.

Malfoy seemed to have tripped over a large root and had landed face first on the ground.

"Oww." He moaned rubbing his bloody nose. "What are you doing?!!"

I had my wand pointed at Malfoy's nose. At other circumstances, I'd have probably blown it off but instead, I fixed it the best I could with my wand. I was no madam Pomfrey but after spending a whole Christmas, with cat fur all over me, in the hospital wing, I learned quite a few useful spells.

"That's_ much _better, Granger." He scowled sarcastically. His nose wasn't bleeding anymore but it was growing longer and pointier by the minute. Sort of like Pinocchio.

Ok! So I didn't learn much, _big deal_! But I did stop the bleeding, didn't I?!

"Put my nose back to normal, Granger!"

"I don't see the difference, Malfoy." I said icily remembering the time he enlarged my teeth in fourth year.

"What?!! Its- it's all long and pointy!"

"It has always been like that. Or maybe you've never looked into the mirror."

"It was ne – "

He was cut off by a long, shuddering howl – which was followed by quite a dozen other howls!! And they were getting closer!!

"Quick, climb up a tree!" he yelled.

I hurriedly scurried up the nearest tree and got up as high as I could.

"Granger! Where are you?!" Malfoy yelled all panicky, running around looking for low branched trees.

"Up here, you idiot!! Climb up here!!"

Malfoy looked at me relieved and climbed up quickly. He sat down on the branch next to mine. His nose, which had become longer than before, was poking my shoulder.

"Hey! Watch where you're ...nosing." I said lamely. "You could put an eye out with that nose of yours."

He didn't seem to here. He panted for sometime and then regained his composure. We looked down the tree. By now, it was surrounded by a pack of savage looking wargs.

Malfoy shuddered and looking at me, muttered something.

"What?"

"Thanks" he mumbled.

I looked at him in total disbelief. Malfoy actually thanked me?!

"Stop looking at me like that, Granger." He said. "What? You thought I was incapable of the word 'thanks'?"

I was dumbstruck. "Yeah... Did one of the wargs bite you, Malfoy?" He probably got bitten by a rabid warg and is now delirious... well, what other explanation is there??!!

"Oh, shut up, Mudblood."

"Stop calling me that!! My names _Hemione_! Her-my-own-knee."

"Hermione, Mudblood, what's the difference?"

"Fine, call me whatever you want, you snobby brat!"

"Bushy haired _freak!! _"

"Weenie!!"

"I am _so_ not a weenie! Dumb _girl_!!"

"Girl? That's supposed to be an insult?!"

"Well... well -er- girls are weird!!"

"What about stupid, arrogant, bratty _boys_?!! - With exception to Harry and the Weasleys." I added hurriedly.

"Well, _girls_ are noisy, screechy, pathetic - _well, at least Pansy is!!!"_ he said defensively seeing my furious glare.

"How can you think that all girls would be like Parkinson?! She is a complete _slut!_ ...wait, I thought you liked Parkinson."

"Are you kidding, Mud- er- Granger?"

"Then why did you go to the Ball with her last year?"

I smiled to myself. Keep talking, Malfoy. Soon I'll get some valuable information to blackmail you with... heeheehee...

"Well, my parents are friends with the damn Parkinsons and I _– Hey!_ Why am I even telling you all this?!"

I put on an innocently puzzled face.

"Don't act innocent with me, Granger. How do I know that you won't blackmail me with this stuff?!"

Oh, drat!!

Review, ya filthy lil' scumbags! (No offence)


	4. And into the fire

Hi!!! Sorry I took so long! I made a major mix up the other day. I thought I'd put up the 4th chappie too and by mistake I replaced 3rd ch. with it and then I deleted it and then put the 3rd chappy again which explains the update-but-not-really-update thing.

Whew. Anyway, **MY EXAMS ARE OVER!!! YAY!!!**

OoOoO

_**Review list: **Oh my god!! I can't believe the no. of reviews I got! Thanks you guys!!_

**Christi-Lynn **(Yeah. He really is a weenie)

**Who Else? Me** (they are idiots aren't they?! -)

**Eliria** (spell checking? Nah.)

**sassy-diva2004** (woah! What?)

**Luradicks** (yup! But I like evil/dark Draco lots more than weenie draco. Evil draco's are so cool and suave!)

**Kathryn Black** (oh man! Longer chapters are ...well, I don't know. .)

**Draco's all mine** (Wargs are creatures...... Like wolves! Except they are way larger and way uglier. I took it from "hobbit' and 'LoTR')

**xsilentxonex146 **(yay! Thank you! Yup. And its gonna get even worse! Muwahahaha!)

**Ehlonna** (yes it is. That's why its in the humor section ) Dark Anjel (I know! Heehe) 

**jesska-14 **(I guess that means its funny!)

**The Singing Hippo** (You are the funniest reviewer I've ever had!) 

**Jkr wannabe **(Thanks!)

OoOoOOoOOoOOOO

Disclaimer: I do not own the little buggers, so sod off!!

**Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire - 2**

****

Ugh. My body is sore, my eyes are burning and Malfoy's nose no longer makes me laugh. I hate my stupid branch. The stupid wargs are howling again. I can see a big _stupid _headache coming along.

Oh, bugger.

"You know, this is just how Bilbo must've felt." Malfoy muttered thoughtfully.

"What?" I asked stupidly.

"Bilbo Baggins – as in the Hobbit. Don't tell me Bookworm Granger didn't read 'The Hobbit' and 'The Lord of the Rings'?!!"

"Of course, I've read it, you prat!" I said impatiently. As though _I _wouldn't read great books like that! That's just preposterous!!

"I just can't believe that _you_ read it, Malfoy."

"What? You thought that all Slytherins are too dumb to read books?"

"Oh, sod off, Granger."

**_.....o . o_** _10 minutes later_ **_o . o......_**

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**__**

"I'm _bored_, Granger. I think we can beat 30-40 wolves with our wand, what do you say?"

I rolled my eyes – _thrice_ (successfully annoying him!). Didn't he know _anything?!_

"Malfoy, they are not wolves, they are _wargs_ – "

"I knew that!"

"– and _wargs_ are immune to magic."

"... Oh."

"Honestly, we did 'wargs' in the beginning of the term. Don't you ever listen to what Hagrid says?!"

He snorted. "Why would I listen to that big oaf- er- professor. I meant professor." He finished lamely.

I grinned to myself. He still didn't forget what happened in third year. Ah, priceless moments!!

A/N: In case you guys don't remember, Hermione punched Draco for insulting Hagrid. Muwahahahaa!

**_.......o . o_** _20 minutes later_ **_o . o......._**

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**__**

"It's getting _really_ dark. We should get out of here."

"Are the wargs still down there, Granger? I can't see."

"Wait. I'll light up my wand. Lumos."

I flashed my wand downwards. Oh yeah. All those dratted wargs were still down there.

"Hey, where's my wand?!"

"You don't have your wand?!" Honestly, how careless can he get?!

"I had it with me! I remember taking – "

"– Er, Malfoy? I think I found it."

"Where?! Where?!"

"Um... well, down there." I said pointing at the wargs. One of the big leader wargs was chewing on the wand. "Eww."

"Great! That's my third wand! Dad's gonna kill me!"

"Third wand?! What happened to the other – "

CRACK.

I was very badly startled. I thought my branch had broken. The wargs had begun howling again.

I looked down. That stupid leader warg had broken the wand! The wand was now emitting purple flames in all directions. This caused many of the wargs to run away, scared. Most of them, catching fire on their furs, fled yelping and howling.

"Come on! It's our chance to escape!" Malfoy yelled, starting to climb down the slippery tree.

I quickly followed him... or rather, very slowly followed him down. I was not very good at climbing down trees. Well, they are steep and slippery, you know!!

"Hurry up, Granger!!!" Malfoy yelled from the ground.

I ignored him and continued my slow but steady descent. Stupid git. If I'm not careful, I'd fall down! And probably on him too... breaking more of his bones... hmmm... not a bad idea...

But still, it's best not to fall down.

That's when I fell down.

Thud!

"Owwwwwwwww!!" moaned Malfoy. Oh well.

I rolled out of him, amazed that I wasn't killed by his pointy nose (which, right now, was ridiculously long.).

I helped him to his feet. He was swaying on the spot.

"Stand still, for God's sake!" I chided as he leaned heavily on me for support.

"Leg." He muttered hoarsely.

"What?"

"My leg!"

I looked down at his leg. Oh dear, bad shape and an awkward angle too. It was probably broken. I quickly conjured up bandages for the poor leg and sorta fixed it.

"Can you walk?"

"Think so." He tried getting to his feet and limped or rather hobbled (in a very Filch-like way.) towards me.

"We have to find a way out before those damned wargs come back." He said wincing slightly.

"Any ideas?"

"Aren't you supposed to be the smart one?" then realizing what he said, he smacked his head. "Can't believe I admitted that."

Muwahahahahaa! I'm the smart one! I already knew that, of course (cause I'm the smart one!) but that coming out of Malfoy's mouth was priceless.

Suddenly, I had a great idea. ( it's the benefits of being a _smart_ know-it-all!)

"I know!! I know!!" I yelled waving my hand in the air and hopping on the spot.

"We are not in class, Granger."

"I know that!" I snapped. "We can use the 'pointer' spell!!"

"Does it include making my nose less pointy?"

"No, but it'll get us outta here."

"Good enough."

Hogwarts is in the eastward direction ...I hope. I muttered the spell. It's supposed to direct us in the eastward direction ...I hope.

**_..........o . o_** _30 minutes later_ **_o . o.........._**

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**__**

We are _doomed_. _Doomed_ I tell you, _DOOMED_!!!

**_............o . o_** _30 minutes later_ **_o . o........._**

****

****

"Are you sure your spell is working, Granger?"

I didn't want to tell him the truth. Actually, I was itching to tell him that we are _doomed_!!! But I didn't. He was looking so sad and pathetic right then. And I did sorta cause him physical pain_. And_ he didn't kill me for it. Yet.

"Granger?"

"Well, if all goes well, we'll be heading home!! Otherwise we are _doomed_!!!"

That went well.

"Am I _supposed_ to be relieved, Granger?"

"Yes, Malfoy, cause I just spotted the castle!!"

.........................................................................oooo...................................................................

Do any of you ppl watch Buffy?! I just saw the season finale of ..well, the seventh season! And ..and... Spike dies!!! WAAAAA....(Sob).. Oh, it was _soooo_ sad!

Do you guys think that there will be a season 8?! And will spike somehow come back to life?!!

If you guys know, **please** tell me!! I'm _dying _to know!! _Dying... **DYING!!!**_

Same old....

Review.

Review.

Review.

(fizzzztzzz)

Re - crew

Re – crew

Re-fizzz-cr-fizzz-rew

(Darn recording machine!!)


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